


Looking Underneath

by CrazyLabRat



Category: Naruto
Genre: I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Short & Sweet, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28407879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyLabRat/pseuds/CrazyLabRat
Summary: I'm not even sure what I'm doing here.The village-wide celebration is for me, sure, technically.But I've never been one for parties to begin with.If I could melt into the shadows, I would. But alas, it was not to be.Not tonight.My eye scans over the crowd, searching.Even though I know exactly where he is, I can't make it obvious.I have to pretend to see everyone.But there's only one person who matters.Only one set of eyes that I wish would look my way.Or: The one where Iruka is brave, and Kakashi needs help to match that bravery in turn.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	Looking Underneath

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovelies!
> 
> Have you missed me?
> 
> I've missed me. *sighs*
> 
> I was down with covid and am still recovering. As such, I've been away for a bit, and I extend my apologies for that. 
> 
> This being said, I offer up this strange yet sweet little fic as an olive branch and a promise that I'm still here and writing. 
> 
> Bold + Italics = Song lyrics
> 
> Italics + " " = Words only Kakashi can hear. 
> 
> I will be editing this a bunch over the next week, I'm sure. So if you reread it and it's not quite the same, you've been warned.
> 
> Now then, enough nonsense.
> 
> On with the story!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**_I'd like to tell you and I'd like to say_ **

**_How I, I feel right now_ **

****

I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. 

The village-wide celebration is for me, sure, _technically_. 

But I've never been one for parties to begin with. 

If I could melt into the shadows, I would. But alas, it was not to be. 

Not tonight. 

My eye scans over the crowd, searching. 

Even though I know exactly where he is, I can't make it obvious. 

I have to pretend to see everyone. 

But there's only one person who matters. 

Only one set of eyes that I wish would look my way. 

****

**_And I'd like to follow you down the hall_ **

**_And see where it goes from there_ **

****

He's in the back corner of the full mission room. Having just returned to the chaos. 

He'd gone down the hall for something a few minutes ago, likely to use the restroom, but he's back now. 

There aren't any missions being handed out tonight though. Only drinks, and laughter are being exchanged this evening. 

Though I haven't had a drop. 

****

**_But you, you don't care_ **

**_'Cause you don't see me that way_ **

****

His eyes, no matter how many times I survey the room, never rise to meet my gaze. 

I don't expect them to. 

But I still hold onto this pathetic hope. 

That maybe, just maybe, he'd finally look at me. 

_Really_ look. 

But that's... that's impossible. 

Now, even more so. 

Being the Hokage meant certain expectations had to be met. 

Not to procreate, no. Because the position isn't nepotistic. But there's an expectation of propriety. Of public perception. 

I've never much minded such things. 

But he's always been quite proper, to begin with. 

****

**_You don't see the way I look at you_ **

**_When you are not looking at me_ **

****

Asuma is at my side now, and so far he's the only one who hasn't said his congratulations. 

He knows I neither want or need such words. 

But it does startle me when he leans a bit closer to mumble some other unexpected syllables. 

_"You can't wait forever. And neither can he. He'll find someone soon if you keep this up... he's too good to leave alone."_

I don't let my shock appear on my face. 

Not that he could see it, even if I did. 

My reply is just as soft, but resolute. 

"I'm not even an option to him. He'll never take notice of me. I'm not... he's not intrested."

A small smirk causes his lit cigarette to dangle carelessly, but that doesn't matter much. 

An imagined object can't hurt anyone. 

He's not really here anyway. 

_"Take it from me, it's better to die knowing, than to always be left wondering."_

Sometimes my own imagination really pisses me off. 

****

**_I wish that I could tell you every single thought I ever had_ **

**_About you and me_ **

**_But you don't see me that way_ **

****

When I turn to respond yet again to the phantom of my friend, he's already gone. 

I suppose that was just as well...

Because someone else had appeared in the interim. 

Someone still living.

"I know you hate these sorts of things, but it's nice seeing you here all the same, Hokage-sama."

If I'd been anyone else, I likely would've jumped out of my skin. 

But I'm not anyone else, so thankfully there was no need to worry about embarrassing myself in such a way. 

"Just Kakashi is fine, sensei. Please. There's no need for such formality with the likes of me."

His smile, when it blooms, is small... but enchanting. 

Yes, he always takes my breath away when he smiles.

"The likes of you? One of the greatest shinobi this village has ever seen? I would think that such formality would be warranted even without the title you now hold."

I was thankful, once again, for the mask I always wore.

It served to hide the heat rising uncomfortably in my cheeks. 

"I'm not that special, though. I only ever do my duty."

He fiddled idly with the drink in his hand, as he shook his head in denial. 

"But you _are_ special. And this whole thing is to celebrate that fact... Surely you know that much?"

**_And I'd like to hold you here in my arms_ **

**_And have you never leave_ **

**_And I'd like to give you all that I have_ **

**_To have you stay with me_ **

****

His cheeks were flushed such a lovely shade of pink, and I idly wondered exactly how much he'd had to drink. 

"Careful now, Iruka-sensei... That sounds far too close to a genuine compliment. Another, less intelligent man, might get the wrong idea."

His blush intensified as he _finally_ lifted his eyes up, and looked at me properly. 

Something about his gaze was provoking me. A determination I couldn't quite place had been born in them. 

"I suppose that would depend entirely upon the working definition of 'wrong', wouldn't it? I'm sure mine is probably not the same, at least in this particular instance."

I blinked, stunned, but he held steadfast. 

Shoulders back, head held high, looking entirely serious. 

****

**_Oh, but you, you don't see me_ **

**_You don't see me that way_ **

****

_"He really is adorable, isn't he? Hey, Kakashi... you should escort him home. Such a beauty shouldn't be left alone and cold at night, you know? Don't let the opportunity slip away! It'd be great material for my next work!"_

I wanted to reply that there'd be no next work. 

But there was no point. I'd only seem crazy. 

I'm not though. 

They aren't real. 

Not Jiraiya. 

Not any of them. 

I'm fully aware of the fact. 

But still, they visit me sometimes. 

I think it's my damaged way of keeping them with me. 

Of keeping their memory alive. 

I responded to the real, flesh and blood person in front of me, instead. 

"My dear sensei, it seems perhaps you've had enough to drink already..."

His perfect eyebrows furrowed and narrowed. Those soft looking lips curling in agitation. 

"Why do you say that?"

I smiled gently, my eye almost closing as I leaned forward just a little. 

"What other explanation could there be for such rosy cheeks and such sweet words? I think perhaps you might want to consider retiring for the evening..."

His face grew more red in anger, and I prepared myself for a tongue lashing. 

I've always managed to cause this reaction in him. 

I still don't know why, or how to stop it. 

And it hurts every time. 

Bracing for the reaction was second nature... habitual. 

But no harsh words came, as he took a slow breath instead. 

And his shoulders slumped. 

"I see... So that's the end of it, then."

His whole demeanor changed, and he looked... defeated? But that made no sense at all. 

"The end?"

Bright cinnamon eyes clouded over with something heartbreaking, before he ducked them away from my view.

"It's nothing, Hokage-sama. I, I think I'll take your advice, and bid you goodnight. Congratulations, once again."

****

**_You don't see the way I look at you_ **

**_When you are not looking at me_ **

****

Something was wrong. 

Very, _very_ wrong. 

I reached for him without thinking, even as he'd turned away. 

Something timid and scared within me couldn't stop, couldn't just let this go. 

"May I... Can I walk you home?"

He stopped, but did not raise his eyes. Merely nodded once and then gently pulled away, as he carefully weaved through the crowd. 

I followed at his heels. 

The air outside was still hot, even with the sun long gone, but it was at least a little cooler than it had been inside. 

It was nothing to catch his stride, as he walked purposefully... but ever so slowly.

And still his head was down. 

I cleared my throat, but it did nothing to ease the knot that had grown there. 

"Please don't call me Hokage-sama. I don't like it, and it especially doesn't sit well with me when you say it." 

He nodded once, but didn't speak. My words were just left awkwardly sitting in the space between us. 

I loosed a sigh in frustration. 

"I'm not sure what I've done this time, but I'd rather you yell at me like you always do. I'd rather you treat me like you always have... I don't... I'm not, I..."

My words trailed off lamely... as I was unable to say what I desperately wished I _could_ say. 

****

**_I wish that I could tell you_ **

**_Every single thought I ever had_ **

**_About you and me_ **

**_But you don't see me that way_ **

****

If I could... I'd tell him everything. 

I'd tell him that if I were to sit down, and write out the perfect ending to my story... it would always include him. 

Always. 

Somehow my social ineptitude would magically be overcome, and against all _conceivable_ odds, he'd want me. 

He'd want _us_. 

And he'd never let me let him go. 

"You don't have to worry. Message received. I won't... I won't ever say anything so out of place again. I should've known better to begin with."

His words stop me in my tracks. 

And he pauses too. But he remains facing forward, head pointed towards the ground. 

"Out of place? What should you have known? What exactly have I done to cause this? I've never... I've never seen you... I've never seen this from you before. And I really don't like it. So if you'll allow it, I'd like to try and fix it."

A sigh, and then his hands clenched into fists. 

"There's nothing to fix. You don't... You just don't... It's alright. I understand. I get it. I'm sorry to have made you uncomfortable. And I promise it won't happen again."

His back straightened, stiffened, as I took a step closer. 

"Iruka..."

I caught his sleeve, but he refused to turn around. So I moved around him and tried to catch his eye. 

"I need you to tell me clearly... because I'm afraid that I will misunderstand if you don't. Please."

With a swiftness I wasn't prepared for, he moved around me, before continuing on his way. 

I was left totally stunned, until his voice floated to my ears on the evening breeze. 

"I'd prefer some privacy, if you insist on dragging this out."

With nothing else to do, I followed. 

****

**_I stare at you across the room_ **

**_I maybe make a move at you_ **

**_I don't think you'd take it too well_ **

****

I'd been inside his home before. But never alone. 

Always only ever with Naruto. 

Naruto, who had insisted that we bring Iruka a bowl of ramen, if ever we went to Ichiraku without him. 

Naruto, who demanded that I try Iruka's homemade sushi rolls, since I loved seafood so much. 

Naruto, who wasn't here to make us interact with each other on a daily basis anymore. 

I've missed his rambunctious energy, sure... but more than that, I missed the opportunity he afforded me to spend time with this spitfire of a man. This enigma of raw unfettered emotion and ethereal allure. 

I had taken a seat on his couch. He'd taken up residence on the cushion in front of his chabudai.

He wouldn't look at me, even now. 

I couldn't help but steal glances of him, though. 

_"You still make the same mistakes, huh?"_

I ignored Obito.

He had no place here in this moment... and certainly not at Iruka's side, on the floor. 

But he kept talking anyway. 

_"For a genius, you're still terrible at making friends. It's no wonder you've never dated, either."_

A sigh, but I couldn't tell who'd made it. 

"You said you needed to be told clearly?"

****

**_I steal another glance or two_ **

**_I maybe take a chance with you_ **

**_But you, you don't need me_ **

**_You don't even see me_ **

****

_"Ouch!"_

A dull thud had sounded just before the exclamation, and I knew he'd been cuffed upside the head. Rin really did know how best to quiet him. 

_"Obito, shut up... They're trying to have a moment here."_

I nodded once, and released only one word. 

"Please."

Two hands appeared upon the tabletop, clenching into fists, before flattening out again, as he seemed to fortify himself. Another long silent moment passed, but then his lips finally parted. 

"I have feelings for you. Feelings of a romantic nature. They are long standing, and before tonight, completely unspoken. I attempted to relay them to you only a short while ago... To which your response was to deftly deflect, and then reject them, albeit in a gentle way. I do not see why this warrants any further discussion."

A hand I barely saw, but couldn't feel, settled upon my shoulder, and Jiraiya's voice filled the empty air. 

_"You've left this divine creature alone too long... You should console him. It wouldn't take much at all to comfort him well. He's been yours for quite some time, and I've said as much for years. Why will you not claim him?"_

I was blinking in rapid succession. Somehow unable to fully process everything, and certainly, my fallen friends weren't helping. 

Noisy as they were this evening. Much more so than was typical. Perhaps it was the result of confronting many layers of guilt and loss that I couldn't seem to escape, this night?

Whatever the cause, they were entirely too distracting. 

It took little effort to move off of the couch, and down into the chabudai cushion on the floor in front of me.

I made enough noise, purposefully, so that Iruka would not be surprised at my closer proximity, should he lift his gaze. 

But those beautiful bright eyes would not rise in my direction. They remained aimed down, at his lap. 

And that wouldn't do at all. 

"I do not agree with your assessment of the situation. No, I find it to be entirely incorrect."

My cloth covered palms were gathering moisture. But he'd summoned up his own courage, tonight... and I've fought much grander battles than the one currently raging between my lungs and my larynx. 

It couldn't be more difficult than dying. 

****

**_And you don't see me that way_ **

**_You don't see the way I look at you_ **

**_When you are not looking at me_ **

****

_"Just don't forget to breathe. You can do this."_

Asuma's voice was low, encouraging, and fond. 

_"People aren't supposed to be alone, Kakashi... But you already know that."_

Rin had said that once before, while she was still alive, so many years ago now. It sounded exactly the same, this time around too. 

_"You're wasting time... and you're always telling me that I'm late."_

Obito sounded amused, and mischievous as ever. 

_"Tell him how the moonlight reflecting off of the falling snow holds nothing to the way he shines in your eyes. Tell him that your heart would cease to beat, if ever his lips refused yours. Tell him that the pain you've already known in this life, is nothing, nothing at all when compared to the thought that he might never be yours."_

I cleared my throat, if only to stop the Sanin from waxing more poetic and prose. 

Even if everything he said was true. It was too embarrassing to think here in this moment... And shouldn't be how this conversation moves forward. 

Not yet, at least. 

****

**_I wish that I could tell you_ **

**_Every single thought I ever had about you and me_ **

****

Two pools the color of warm caramel finally lifted to meet my gaze. Apprehension evident in the scrunch of his nose. A grimace half formed on his lips, in anticipation. 

I licked my Suna-dry lips. 

And took a deep, steadying breath...

****

**_But you don't see me that way_ **

**_No, you don't see me that way, no, no, no_ **

****

"I think perhaps I should start at the beginning... But it might take a while. So, will you listen to my story, Iruka?"

And that lovely face of his began to smooth out. All negative emotion falling away. 

Falling, yes. Like the pale pink petals, when they fall from the buds of Sakura tree, just before autumn closes in. 

A slight nod was his only answer. 

So I began. 

"There was a man, but before he was a man, he was a boy. A boy who didn't know how to talk to others... or how to make friends..."

****

**_No, you don't... see me... that way..._ **

****

_"Let's go. This is getting too private. Besides, he's not alone now... And we'll see him again, in time."_

I couldn't make out Asuma's words, as I was focused on talking, and on keeping those fiery chocolate eyes upon me for as long as possible...

But I felt it, the loss, when they left. 

In the very same moment as I felt a warm, tanned palm cover mine. 

~~~~~~Owari~~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> And there we have it, my duckies!
> 
> So this was weird, and partially written while my brain was a bit addled between medicine, and sickness, and fatigue. 
> 
> I think I may have even dreamed a bit of the plot, initially. 
> 
> The muses really are such restless creatures. 
> 
> The song is called You Don't See Me by Safetysuit. Give it a listen, if you're at all interested. I'd be surprised if any of you knew it already, but it's certainly worth a few minutes of your time. (In my opinion, anyway)
> 
> It's strange for me to feel the need to write something even remotely bittersweet. But I have been rewatching the series during my illness and subsequent recovery process, and really wanted to show my love for all of Kakashi's fallen friends. 
> 
> And for my favorite couple as well, obviously. *grins*
> 
> This would be longer, but I couldn't decide if I should really flush it out, or leave it as short and subtle as it was written. 
> 
> It may change, over time. I'm unsure at the moment. 
> 
> But for now, it's done with. 
> 
> If you liked this, you know what to do *gives puppy eyes and points to the kudos and comment buttons*
> 
> I'll be back again soon... believe it!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> ~ The Lab Rat


End file.
